Constructive Criticism...REALLY?
Dr. Timothy Byler
Criticize: v. 1: to express disapproval of (someone or something) : to talk about the problems or faults of (someone or something), 2: to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly, 3: to find fault with : point out the faults of
Constructive: adj. 1: helping to develop or improve something : helpful to someone instead of upsetting and negative 2: of or relating to construction or creation 3: : promoting improvement or development
Oxymoron: n. : a combination of contradictory or incongruous words (as cruel kindness); broadly : something (as a concept) that is made up of contradictory or incongruous elements
"Can I offer you some constructive criticism?" In my younger days, I was taught to welcome that question. With a few years under my belt and with time and training developing as a life coach, that question that raises my hackles...and my suspicions.
Ask someone to define constructive criticism and they will tell you that it is "caring enough to point out what is wrong in order to help someone improve." It sounds great. What that definition fails to consider is that in most cases, "what is wrong" is subject to the opinion of the critic.
There are several things to consider. First, the person best qualified to speak into your life or future is the person who has a proven to believe in you. That person is also one who has proven to be an encourager who edifies and builds you up. That person is one who is trusted to have not only your best interests at heart, but a person that considers that your dream and vision ARE in your best interests. If you are not fulfilling your dream, your life will experience a vacuum, or even fall into mediocrity.
True coaches, if they offer a critique, do so by invitation. They are wise enough to realize that unsolicited advice is often unwelcome advice. More importantly, it is unheeded advice. True coaches are not big on expending efforts into unproductive encounters. More importantly, true coaches realize that their advice is an investment. When you invest, you expect a return. As a coach, the insight that I offer presents two returns. One is financial remuneration, which means that the advice offered was sought. There is an arrangement and the success and fulfillment of the dream is the goal, for both the client and the coach. The second and greater return is in the satisfaction of seeing the success of the client come into fruition. I LOVE SEEING DREAMS COME TRUE! I revel in it. I celebrate it. Whether I am working with a coaching client, a person I am mentoring, or a congregant in the church where I serve as pastor, I revel in their success. I am like Hannibal on the A-Team: "I LOVE it when a plan comes together!"
In my experience, the person that asks, "Can I offer you some constructive criticism?" is about to give you half of what they just offered. And they are going to give it to you whether or not you want to hear it or not. The half you are about to receive is the criticism. The half that is missing is the constructive part. Unsolicited constructive criticism is simply...criticism. It is the voiced disapproval of someone who does not agree with what they believe is occurring in your life. The phrase "Constructive criticism" is the license for a person to complain without acknowledging that he or she is a complainer. And, while some of the criticism may be accurate, more often it does not accurately speak to the fulfillment of your dream, but rather to the dismantling of it. The criticism does not build you up. It tears you down. It does not encourage. It discourages. It seldom offers solutions, but points out perceived fallacies. And, it usually comes from people who are so myopic that everything they speak to is something that is affecting their immediate world...something that is bothering or irritating them. In short, their "helping you" is more about "helping you stop bothering them". It is about control.
Constructive criticism is an oxymoron. It is the attempted combining of contradiction. In this case, it is the declaration that a person makes that says, "I will point out what I disapprove of and what I judge to be a fault in you, so that I can build you into what I think you would be better off being." Most certainly, that argument will draw fire. That fire will probably come from a critic, who has just been "outed". Some will parse words and point out the value of critique. But the fact remains that even if the intent is good, the practice is faulty, because in most cases, the underlying motive of the critic is skewed by the critical nature of the critic. There advice often brings change to a behavior. But just as often, it breaks the momentum of the person they critique. It doesn't build them up. It only stops them. Therefore, it is not constructive, but destructive.
Be wise. Consider carefully not only the advice you receive, but the advisor. Be certain that such an advisor has a proven track record; not only of believing in you, but also of believing in your dream. Not everyone is qualified to speak to your dream...even if they are an expert.
They way to tell the difference?
Look for those who build you up, who love your dream and who walk with you toward solutions. Look for those who ask and consider the full scope of your path before pointing out the obstacles and the detours. Look for those who have taken consideration the entirety of your journey rather than complaining about the construction on one section of the street.
The true coach will build you up. And if he sees an area that could use a better approach, he will not criticize. He will not offer critique. He will guide and offer alternate solutions. And, he will walk with you, not only through the muddy detour, but back to the highway of your future.
