Thursday, July 14, 2022

Impressions

Timothy Byler, DRE

How do you respond to a first impression? In coaching people, I challenge them to guard themselves from the urge to make snap judgements. That is a practice that tends to run contrary to human nature. More so after you have lived for a while and had life experiences. In fact, sometimes you have to consider a first impression because you will find yourself in a situation that requires a quick action or response from someone you have just encountered. Some people seem to do well at that. Others, not so much. Either way, it can get you into trouble. This happened with a recent occurrence in my life. 


A short time ago, I posted on social media a picture of my latest vehicle - my Jeep Grand Cherokee. “Simon” (I always name my vehicles) was thoughtfully purchased, chosen after numerous trips in rented GC’s, after owning several higher end vehicles, and even trading my beloved Dodge Challenger - which was incredibly painful. My reasons were simple and numerous. Simon has a mixture of all of the characteristics I routinely enjoy in my daily driver. Compared to my previous SUV’s, he is light and nimble in handling. Having the smaller V6 (I’m usually a sucker for V8) was offset by the incredible amount of torque and low end response - where 90% of my driving occurs. The V8 GC is great but the handling is heavier and even clumsier. While his tires are not sufficient for where other Jeeps can go, for the “off the beaten path” wooded trails that I am most likely to frequent, he’s perfect. And, I don’t feel like I have to use my turn signals while driving a wooded trail the way I would in the Escalade I used to drive. Simply put, Simon met the largest cross section of everything I wanted in a vehicle at this season in my life. 



As I posted the photo of Simon, I was really posting about personal joy, and how something relatively simple produced such great joy. One individual - who on numerous occasions has “highlighted the high life” by finding joy through acquisition (the more expensive, the better. I.e.; if you like the GC, you would really like the Mercedes AMG G63. Dream bigger!), immediately responded with a comment that indicated some naïveté about my personal joy. The individual used the phrase, “Reticular Activation System”, which is a psychological term that has been loosely thrown around by budding coaches to explain how the Law of Attraction works. My psychologist wife, Cindy, always warns me to refrain from throwing psychological terms around, because the moment I do, it becomes immediately apparent to many around me that I am NOT a psychologist! The RAS explanation was the “sound byte” version of what the individual was trying to convey - that I only found happiness because I was looking for happiness there. If I thought “bigger” - if I had a larger mentality - I wouldn’t settle for a Jeep. I would “believe” for the Mercedes to enter my life... and be happier. That was a pretty quick first impression… assumption.


Impressions: We see what we want to see.


There are several impressions that occurred in my story. One is that my joy was perhaps not true happiness, but joy that was limited by my own limited thinking. I was in essence told, “You only find happiness in driving a dumb Jeep because you “looked” for that happiness. You focused on it and as a result, you convinced yourself you are happy. If you had looked for more, you could find real “Mercedes” happiness.” (For the record, yes I DO understand that joy is not materialistic. It is more than pleasure. In this instance, my joy comes from what is happening in my heart as I travel, explore, power down, etc. Simon represents a rolling refuge from a sometimes chaotic world.)


Reactions about my “Simon posts” revealed many impressions. They ranged from, “Wow! what year is that?” to, “I have always loved Jeeps.” to “You have a really unique relationship with your cars.” To this one: “Your choice in vehicle and the joy you profess is really a picture of your small-minded mentality.” That may seem a lot to draw from a simple statement, but in this case, the individual has on numerous occasions expressed that exact sentiment about me in direct terms, without ever once considering my history - that in my automotive background, I have owned everything from Cadillacs, Lincoln’s, Audi’s, etc. and that perhaps I didn’t choose my Jeep from a small perspective but from a much larger one based on personal experience.


That’s human nature right there! We see what we want to see. I do believe that if my focus is on a Jeep, getting the Jeep will produce a feeling of happiness. But there is another aspect to seeing what we want to see. In business, in ministry, and in coaching or mentoring, people tend to measure others through the lenses of their own world. Personal experiences, focused training, even mental attitude often lead you to see what you want to see in another person. And, when that happens, your first impression carries within it that cocktail of personal belief. It often will have little to do with the person you are assessing.


Each of the responses to the post COULD reveal any number of meanings, ranging from “I wish I could have a Jeep.” to, “I’m glad you found a personal joy.” to, “Wow, you’re pretty materialistic”. Each assessment has little to do with my experience and more to do with the experiences of the responders. 


That is what makes impressions - and judgements - so dangerous to relationships.



What Would if Mean If “I” Said That?


The other issue with impressions is in how you measure the words and even actions of another person. We live in a world with corrupt people. Manipulators, “gas-lighters”, abusers, takers, etc., all occupy space on the planet. The more you encounter them, the easier it becomes to add their behaviors into your “impressions lens”. But the strongest measure occurs when you encounter someone who says something or acts in a manner that unsettles you. The tendency in those moments is not to measure that word or action based upon the individual. Rather, it is to measure that word or action based on what you would mean if YOU said or did what you experienced. Sometimes; perhaps even often, the results will be the same. That individual was not only being offensive, but intentionally offensive. However, if you consider the heart of the other individual, while what was said or done may have been offensive, the heart of the individual was not to cause an offense. If you can learn that, you can save yourself a LOT of pain!


My “Mercedes” individual offered a response that was pretty offensive. No one likes to be perceived as small minded. But what was the intent? This individual stays focused

on helping people grow in their mentality. That is noble. I was just measured by

that individual’s cocktail of personal belief. Knowing that 

shifted my feelings and my response in the situation.


Two lessons here: The first is to guard yourself against allowing your impressions and judgement of others to be measured by your own cocktail of personal belief. There is always more to the story than you can see. See through the eyes of the Holy Spirit rather than your own lenses. Consider Philippians 4:8-9. Choosing to find ANYTHING praiseworthy in the individual or situation will change how you handle everything! The second is to remember that others will almost always measure you through their lenses. If you consider that when you encounter conflict, it will change the way you communicate and act. There is a strength to be had when you discover that though you have the right to be offended, but you don’t have the necessity. Represent more than yourself. Represent Jesus! See like Him. Be like Him. And, His joy and peace will be with you!


T

Saturday, July 2, 2022

An Open Letter about June 24, 2022

 On June 24, 2022, the Supreme Court of the United States voted to reverse Roe Vs. Wade. What happened in the aftermath was intense on all accounts. The social media outlets went full bore on both sides of the issue, as people tried to process what was happening in their hearts and in their minds. I was asked to weigh in. I did so in the following open letter. I have chosen to hold this letter until the dust of the immediate shock settles. I did this in the hope that in the aftermath of the decision, people would stop and carefully consider what I wrote, rather than skimming through it for the bullet points.


This issue touches every American life - even those who would think otherwise. You simply do not know the pastor the people who surround you. You only think you do. I encourage you to read all of this - carefully and thoughtfully. For the believer, also read it prayerfully. Because of your relationship with God, you are the ones who have the greatest capacity to offer healing in seasons such as this.



An Open Letter About June 24, 2022

Dr. Timothy Byler


June 24, 2022 was an historic day. It represented a reversal to what is perhaps one of the most divisive issues our nation has ever faced - the Supreme Court’s ruling that federalized the right of a woman to choose what happens in her body - the right of a child living and growing in a womb to live. 


That was yesterday. Yesterday was a day spent thinking…and observing. I have a wide array of friends with greatly varied political and cultural views. I am graced with a specific reach into many of their lives - not because of my silence on key issues, but because of my determination to respect others and to demonstrate love by how I communicate regarding my beliefs, and theirs. 


June 24 was an emotional day. For many, it was a day of rejoicing. For many others, it was a day of sorrow or anger. Where an individual came down in that spectrum was determined by their personal beliefs. Or was it? The problem surrounding this issue is that “belief” has been cluttered - by politics, by media, and by culture. At the root, most people see the issue as Manichean - a clearly defined duality between what they believe is right and what they believe is wrong. And at the root, you are dealing with life - 

the sanctity of life; for both a child and for a mother. 


The problem is that though the arguments from either side are trumpeted that simple,

 the surrounding beliefs are far from a simple duality. 


They are far more complex to the point that a few minutes of conversation with the average person generally reveals that those beliefs are convoluted and even conflicted. The issue of life has been used as such a political football that the definition of what people are supposed to believe has been defined, redefined, rewritten, and rebroadcast at every opportunity to gain a political advantage - by both the left and the right. The flagrant exploitation of the issue for political gain has devalued in the minds of people the root issue. Such devaluation is a travesty. An equal travesty is the wedge that was allowed to be created. That wedge divides and separates families, friends, cultures, and a nation. 


I heard from both sides of the argument on this historic day. Of the ones who have long prayed for this turn in history to occur, there was rejoicing. For those who dreaded this turn, there was sorrow and anger. The division reared its ugly head. The divisive nature of people was on full display. My friends on the right (and as I believe in the sanctity of life, I was included in this stereotypical classification) were labeled “extremist”. That is a word that is politically and culturally defined as “one who holds to a fringe belief(s) with an anarchistic mentality that promotes an agenda to wield power and the control of others.” Called into question at the beach where I did my thinking, my friend said, “Well, I didn’t mean you - just people LIKE you.” Strike a blow against inclusiveness. 


My friends on the left had it just as bad - and in my opinion, far worse. I watched in horror as some people on the right who went online crying,  “Victory! To God be the glory!” and in the next instant turned and maliciously and unabashedly railed on those who opposed their victory, posting, 

“Stop whining! You still have the right to murder your babies!” 


(Caution: Sarcasm alert.) THAT is God’s love and grace in motion right there. 


Societal culture has tried to teach the next generation of believers that they should be ashamed to be a Christian. I will NEVER be ashamed of the Gospel, nor the fact that I am a follower of Christ. But if I have ever come close, it has been in moments when those who call themselves God’s people spew rhetoric that is laced with hostile animus. If the left believes that those on the right are power hungry, right-denying extremists, and the right believes that those on the left are self-chosen murderers who do so in the name of convenience and personal satisfaction, then the reality of who we really are has dissolved in the acid of political manipulation. 


“What is MY position?” That is the question I have been asked repeatedly. I have also been asked why I refuse to engage in the social media “badminton” in the name of standing up for what is right. 


On that score, the way media has devalued our understanding of who we are has been to remove the development of our population’s beliefs from real contemplative thought (don’t THINK!). and replace it with easily digestible, microwaveable sound bytes. Some people will respond to this open letter with the comment, TLDNR (Too Long. Didn’t Read). THAT limits your education to the canned soup makers who spoon feed you - no matter what side of the aisle you stand. 


I am vocal about my position. But I am so in a manner that will allow for thought, contemplation, context, and mutual respect… particularly for those who disagree with me. Except for the religious Pharisees who acted similarly to some of the aforementioned people on the right, this is EXACTLY how Jesus handled the public. He did not approach them with a sarcastic, “Go ahead and wallow in your miserable sinful mess.” He met them where they are and offered them better, with a grace that enticed them to truth. 


My position? Life is unimpeachable.


Every beating heart is a soul - the beating heart of a child AND the beating heart of a mother carrying that child. BOTH have an investment. Sometimes - too often - that investment comes through unexpected and even malicious, evil circumstances. That does not negate the fact that a woman’s life is a life, and a child’s life is a life. 


Does life begin at conception? According to scripture, life begins BEFORE conception. In the first chapter of the book of Jeremiah, God made it clear:


“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you…” Jeremiah 1:5 


He did so again in the Psalms:


“For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. Your eyes saw my substance, 

being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me,

when as yet there were none of them.”

Psalms 139:13, 16


Even if a person is born in the direst of circumstances, every believer should understand that God has strengthened mankind to not only survive those circumstances but to overcome them and be stronger for it. Those who do not adhere to a belief in God have still witnessed and testify to the strength of the human spirit. And, they have trumpeted and drawn mentorship and strength from those who have not given up, but thrived through pain and adversity. 


A Woman’s Right to Choose: 


I believe that every person has a right to make their own decisions regarding their own individual life. Scripture has made it clear that God gave free will to mankind. Our founding Constitution clearly defines that unalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness to every living person. 


The first word of that is LIFE. In the moment that my freedom from turmoil or pain comes at the expense of ending another’s life, that right to freedom loses priority. EVERYONE is in agreement in that fundamental truth and the evidence is found in that if my neighbor infringes on my freedom and happiness, and I take his life and end it, I am going on trial for murder. No level of inconvenience or even pain is going to negate that life is unimpeachable. 


Unalienable Rights


Consider this statement from a publication of the Annenberg Classroom: The Annenberg Public Policy Center:  https://www.annenbergclassroom.org/glossary_term/rights-or-individual-rights/


In addition to political rights, the constitutions of democracies throughout the world protect the rights of people accused of crimes from arbitrary or abusive treatment by the government. Individuals are guaranteed due process of law in their dealings with the government. Today, constitutional democracies protect the personal and private rights of all individuals under their authority. These rights include:

  • freedom of conscience or belief
  • free exercise of religion
  • privacy in one’s home or place of work from unwarranted or unreasonable intrusions by the government
  • ownership and use of private property for personal benefit
  • general freedom of expression by individuals, so long as they do not interfere with or impede unjustly the freedom or well-being of others in the community


“So long as they do not interfere with or impede UNJUSTLY the freedom or well being

of OTHERS in the community...” 


It has taken our nation a long time to iron out what the founders intended. Like the phrase, “Out of the mouths of babes…”, our founders created a document that reached depths far beyond the scope of their imagination. The level of the lives we live were not even imagined, much less invented when they penned the document, yet that document has held the foundational truths that have stood solidly through the invention of our current lives. 


A woman’s “right to choose” must consider the following truths that we hold to in every other aspect of our society. 


First: Your choice for freedom and happiness cannot be realized at the expense of killing another person. Even with regard to Capital Punishment, the individual sentenced to have his or her life terminated must first be found guilty of a crime and second, be declared mentally competent enough to have committed that crime with the ability to act with intent. A child in the womb does not have that right.


For a mother to choose to terminate the life of a child in her womb infringes upon the right of that individual child to purse happiness, liberty, and life. 


Second: The decisions of the adult are weighed differently than the decisions of the child. Whether in the womb or in the nursery, the child cannot be expected to make the same level of decision that an older person is expected to make. Regardless of your belief in God, any parent will hold their children - and any adult who violates this principle to a hard standard. That means that the parent, the more mature in the relationship has a responsibility to make the right decisions for the less mature in the relationship. In any other circumstance, the parent has a moral and even legal responsibility to do so.


Third: Is the life in the womb a life? According to Scripture, yes. According to the one who wants a child, yes. According to science, yes, there is a living being in that womb. We can hear the heart beating. If the heart quits beating, we call it dead. 


Fourth: A  artful look at all of the above demands that those who claim to hold life sacred need to do just that - hold life sacred. Pro-lifers are quick to fight for the right of an unborn child to live. They should be equally proactive in finding better ways for that child to live. Adoptions, while they still should be vetted at the highest level.should not be as difficult - or as expensive. Currently, adopting a child in the United States costs between $15,000 and $40,000. There should be more who are willing to what needs to be done to achieve betterment for a child who under other circumstances would lose his or her life in an abortion. THAT is just as important a sanctity of life issue as ending abortion.


A few days before this historic moment, I encountered my own. My son and daughter-in-love showed me sonogram images - pictures of my new grandchild at eleven weeks. They do not refer to the child as an “it” because their child is a living being. It is too early to know the child’s gender so in lieu of referring to their child as “it”, they nicknamed their child, “sprout”. I was touched because during the sonogram, my daughter-in-love became very concerned. Sprout wasn’t moving. The technician told her, “Do not worry. They rest too!” A moment later both she and my son were greatly relieved when Sprout started dancing around in the womb. I think the poetic term for the mother’s response would be, “her heart skipped a beat.” Two hearts - really three - intertwined. My son already has “Dad Shirts”. 


A pregnancy terminated in the name of justice may be just for the mother. It is not just for the child…

anymore than ending the life of an orphan or a developmentally handicapped child. 


Fourth: Is it about power? To return to the “extremist” concept, the argument has politically shifted to a determination of the “pro-lifers” agenda to control and dominate everyone. While a few errant evangelical denominations and fringe groups may feel that way, the vast majority do not. A true look at the decision made by the court actually considers this power issue. As our Constitution was written to insure freedom, our government was designed with checks and balances - to insure great limits on the Federal government’s ability to have absolute power and say with the force of the rule of law. The Executive Branch (the President) is the weakest in the trinity of government. The Legislative Branch was designed to be the voice of the people - who’s members were not brought together to promote political agendas but to represent what the individuals in their states wanted as a rule of law. The intent in both of those branches of government has shifted for the purpose of political power - on the left and on the right. 


The Judicial Branch was designed to be the arbitrator, protecting the rule of law and maintaining order that holds our founding truths - the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness - to continue unimpeded by political domination. 


The left side of the social media frenzy is now touting, “It’s not about children. It is about power.” That is far more accurate than people realize. While the June 24th decision dealt with the rights of a woman and the rights of a child, it dealt more with the authority of the Federal government to superimpose its leadership - leadership that is too easily influenced by the few and the rich - upon the people of the nation. 


The court handed the responsibility of governing their people back to the States. Individuals have a far better chance to affect local and state government than they do at a federal level. I can’t get on the phone with my President. But I have sat down with my State Representative, my Congressman, and even my Senator. They heard my arguments face to face and even the ones who largely oppose my political leanings have asked me to join them in efforts that I have been able to affect.  


Keeping this issue Federal also keeps this issue in the hands of the controllers, the political lobbyists, the media “spin doctors”, and those who through social and other media outlets do the thinking for the much of the American people. 


Lastly, if the moral high ground of this issue is about the sanctity of life, that sanctity only begins with the protection of that life from death. The true sanctity of life has to consider that no one has the right to devalue the life of another. When your disagreement manifests into belittlement of another, regardless of where you stand on your belief, you undermine everything for which you say you stand. 


Life IS unimpeachable. That is a reality, scientifically and morally. Life is unfair and even cruel at times, but it is still - LIFE! You cannot simply eradicate one life to resolve the conflict of another. There has to be a better way.