Impressions

Timothy Byler, DRE

How do you respond to a first impression? In coaching people, I challenge them to guard themselves from the urge to make snap judgements. That is a practice that tends to run contrary to human nature. More so after you have lived for a while and had life experiences. In fact, sometimes you have to consider a first impression because you will find yourself in a situation that requires a quick action or response from someone you have just encountered. Some people seem to do well at that. Others, not so much. Either way, it can get you into trouble. This happened with a recent occurrence in my life. 

A short time ago, I posted on social media a picture of my latest vehicle - my Jeep Grand Cherokee. “Simon” (I always name my vehicles) was thoughtfully purchased, chosen after numerous trips in rented GC’s, after owning several higher end vehicles, and even trading my beloved Dodge Challenger - which was incredibly painful. My reasons were simple and numerous. Simon has a mixture of all of the characteristics I routinely enjoy in my daily driver. Compared to my previous SUV’s, he is light and nimble in handling. Having the smaller V6 (I’m usually a sucker for V8) was offset by the incredible amount of torque and low end response - where 90% of my driving occurs. The V8 GC is great but the handling is heavier and even clumsier. While his tires are not sufficient for where other Jeeps can go, for the “off the beaten path” wooded trails that I am most likely to frequent, he’s perfect. And, I don’t feel like I have to use my turn signals while driving a wooded trail the way I would in the Escalade I used to drive. Simply put, Simon met the largest cross section of everything I wanted in a vehicle at this season in my life. 

As I posted the photo of Simon, I was really posting about personal joy, and how something relatively simple produced such great joy. One individual - who on numerous occasions has “highlighted the high life” by finding joy through acquisition (the more expensive, the better. I.e.; if you like the GC, you would really like the Mercedes AMG G63. Dream bigger!), immediately responded with a comment that indicated some naïveté about my personal joy. The individual used the phrase, “Reticular Activation System”, which is a psychological term that has been loosely thrown around by budding coaches to explain how the Law of Attraction works. My psychologist wife, Cindy, always warns me to refrain from throwing psychological terms around, because the moment I do, it becomes immediately apparent to many around me that I am NOT a psychologist! The RAS explanation was the “sound byte” version of what the individual was trying to convey - that I only found happiness because I was looking for happiness there. If I thought “bigger” - if I had a larger mentality - I wouldn’t settle for a Jeep. I would “believe” for the Mercedes to enter my life... and be happier. That was a pretty quick first impression… assumption.

Impressions: We see what we want to see.

There are several impressions that occurred in my story. One is that my joy was perhaps not true happiness, but joy that was limited by my own limited thinking. I was in essence told, “You only find happiness in driving a dumb Jeep because you “looked” for that happiness. You focused on it and as a result, you convinced yourself you are happy. If you had looked for more, you could find real “Mercedes” happiness.” (For the record, yes I DO understand that joy is not materialistic. It is more than pleasure. In this instance, my joy comes from what is happening in my heart as I travel, explore, power down, etc. Simon represents a rolling refuge from a sometimes chaotic world.)

Reactions about my “Simon posts” revealed many impressions. They ranged from, “Wow! what year is that?” to, “I have always loved Jeeps.” to “You have a really unique relationship with your cars.” To this one: “Your choice in vehicle and the joy you profess is really a picture of your small-minded mentality.” That may seem a lot to draw from a simple statement, but in this case, the individual has on numerous occasions expressed that exact sentiment about me in direct terms, without ever once considering my history - that in my automotive background, I have owned everything from Cadillacs, Lincoln’s, Audi’s, etc. and that perhaps I didn’t choose my Jeep from a small perspective but from a much larger one based on personal experience.

That’s human nature right there! We see what we want to see. I do believe that if my focus is on a Jeep, getting the Jeep will produce a feeling of happiness. But there is another aspect to seeing what we want to see. In business, in ministry, and in coaching or mentoring, people tend to measure others through the lenses of their own world. Personal experiences, focused training, even mental attitude often lead you to see what you want to see in another person. And, when that happens, your first impression carries within it that cocktail of personal belief. It often will have little to do with the person you are assessing.

Each of the responses to the post COULD reveal any number of meanings, ranging from “I wish I could have a Jeep.” to, “I’m glad you found a personal joy.” to, “Wow, you’re pretty materialistic”. Each assessment has little to do with my experience and more to do with the experiences of the responders. 

That is what makes impressions - and judgements - so dangerous to relationships.

What Would if Mean If “I” Said That?

The other issue with impressions is in how you measure the words and even actions of another person. We live in a world with corrupt people. Manipulators, “gas-lighters”, abusers, takers, etc., all occupy space on the planet. The more you encounter them, the easier it becomes to add their behaviors into your “impressions lens”. But the strongest measure occurs when you encounter someone who says something or acts in a manner that unsettles you. The tendency in those moments is not to measure that word or action based upon the individual. Rather, it is to measure that word or action based on what you would mean if YOU said or did what you experienced. Sometimes; perhaps even often, the results will be the same. That individual was not only being offensive, but intentionally offensive. However, if you consider the heart of the other individual, while what was said or done may have been offensive, the heart of the individual was not to cause an offense. If you can learn that, you can save yourself a LOT of pain!

My “Mercedes” individual offered a response that was pretty offensive. No one likes to be perceived as small minded. But what was the intent? This individual stays focused

on helping people grow in their mentality. That is noble. I was just measured by

that individual’s cocktail of personal belief. Knowing that 

shifted my feelings and my response in the situation.

Two lessons here: The first is to guard yourself against allowing your impressions and judgement of others to be measured by your own cocktail of personal belief. There is always more to the story than you can see. See through the eyes of the Holy Spirit rather than your own lenses. Consider Philippians 4:8-9. Choosing to find ANYTHING praiseworthy in the individual or situation will change how you handle everything! The second is to remember that others will almost always measure you through their lenses. If you consider that when you encounter conflict, it will change the way you communicate and act. There is a strength to be had when you discover that though you have the right to be offended, but you don’t have the necessity. Represent more than yourself. Represent Jesus! See like Him. Be like Him. And, His joy and peace will be with you!

T