HAPPINESS - From: "Lessons Offered to my Kids"

What makes you happy? One of the things at I have tried to do in being a dad is not train you into "happiness". Too often, people are taught what happiness is supposed to look like, feel like, and as a result...be. It is measured by most  people through the pursuit of pleasure or personal satisfaction. Some tie it to the feeling that comes from success and achievement. In pursuit of the ministry that surrounds my life, my approach was different.  I was taught that happiness is really achieved when you are making a difference in someone else's life. There is a truth to this statement. I can honestly say  I have found happiness in making a difference in others. I can also say, I have poured out my life to others, only to look up and find a huge void in the happiness chamber of my life.

 

Happiness, success, fulfillment...they all have commonalities but they are different. I have met people who are extremely successful, yet never fulfilled. I have met people who's lives are very fulfilled yet seem to have no measurable success that even they can identify.  And, I have met successful people with full and by their own admission, fulfilled lives, who wrestle with an acute lack of happiness.
 

I suffered a personal failure in that I developed the belief that as the road to happiness must include others, I must invite them on the journey to happiness.  I opened the door to the bus, announced the destination and said, "welcome aboard". In retrospect, I am amazed at the number of people willing to board the bus without any thought given to whether or not they really wanted to take the journey or why. Some seemed to just want to go along for the ride. One thing for certain - in those cases, I picked up the tab for the fare. I also experienced a major letdown because I allowed the picture of my happiness to include those who were on the bus. We were headed to happiness, but when the doors opened and the passengers disembarked,

 

I discovered who were simply, passengers.

 

Relationships (including some I fostered for years) that carried for me a certain depth proved to be not nearly as deep as I had chosen to believe. For while I heavily invested myself in their happiness, their investment in mine evaporated when the moment came where I needed to be able to draw on them. On my journey to happiness, I hit a roadblock and when I turned to those who had been riding the bus, I discovered that the bus was empty. Or in other words, at my point of need  I reached out to my closest and most highly invested relationships to discover that they would not even pick up a phone. I realized then that it doesn't matter the extent that you love, you cannot expect that the

same level of love is reciprocated.

 

I know that this may sound bitter, but it is not. If there is any real frustration on my part, it is with myself. Extending myself to others is a pleasure for me. The acquisition of things - the "having" part of pleasure - was in relationships; in having the ability to effectively bring betterment to others. The price I paid was that in "having" those relationships, I was no longer able to "be" who I was created to be. I had to "be" something else to fulfill the need of those relationships.

It has been said that genuine happiness can only be achieved when we transform our way of life from the unthinking pursuit of pleasure to one committed to enriching our inner lives, when we focus on 'being more' rather than simply having more. Though I was in the pursuit of happiness for others, it was still the pursuit of pleasure at the price of the enrichment of my own life. That which should have allowed me to be more became that which drained me and made me become empty inside.

You should always extend yourself to people.

 

Each of you have inside a great gift of life. It was imparted to you by the Creator. It was fostered by your mother and by me.  It was designed to feed your joy and your happiness as it feeds the happiness of others. It is NOT designed to build in you an expectation from those to whom you offer that gift.

 

Your happiness needs to come from God.  It needs to be found in the personal joys that excite you. It needs to be experienced through the flavors of life that righteously appeal to your palette. I cast aside many things that brought me joy - things that fed my personal happiness - because of the needs and expectations of others. I poured my happiness experience into others, expecting them to in turn fill what they were not capable or willing to fill...and I became empty.  Do not cast those things aside. Do not sacrifice the artistry and joy in you because of the mindset of others. Always keep for yourself a measure of time and money to afford those things that will feed your soul and enrich your happiness.

Love God. Love people who all of your heart.

 

Give all of yourself but never give UP yourself in the process.

 

For me - I sold the bus. I bought a taxi. There are far fewer seats. The fare is higher. There are far fewer passengers. However, the passengers are truly engaged. Those who have access to the passenger list are those who truly want to be there. And the beauty? The taxi can actually go places the bus can never go, allowing the passengers to experience what those in the bus will miss.  The view from the taxi is greater, allowing you to see in greater detail the beauty of your surroundings. The seats are closer and the noise is less, allowing for real communication between the passengers. Maintaining a bus means keeping the schedule for the sake of the passengers. There is no time for the things which are enriching for you. The taxi can take you and the ones who really choose to ride with you to the things which feed you personally and mutually. It is proving to be a far better vehicle on the road to happiness.

Have I lost friends? No, not really. I discovered who was and who really wasn't. Perhaps for the first time, I am finding true friends because I am only now discovering what true friendship really is.

Love God. Be yielded to Him. Love others with all of your heart. But as I said, never give yourself up in the process. Who you are is a gift from God.  Take care of that gift.

Feed it wisely. Be happy!

 

Dad

TRUST From – “Lessons Offered to My Kids”

Trust – it is one of the greatest offerings anyone can afford you.  It is a foundation stone in very relationship. As you navigate through life, you will most likely discover that it is one of the more complicated aspects of life.  The reason is simple – 

trust involves relationship and 

all relationships are based on trust.

People trust based upon their belief. Whether they want to admit it or not, people always live their life by their belief. In other words, their actions are the clearest indicator of what they believe.  God’s greatest desire of us is to believe…so much so that He made it the foundation for our salvation. 

John 3:16 “…that he who believes in Him should not perish 

but have everlasting life.”

People relate to people based upon their belief. As a result, people trust you based upon their belief. That belief can be fostered and affected in different ways. Circumstances where a person’s trust is violated affects how that 

person believes you or anyone else can be trusted. Even if they choose 

to trust, there will usually be misgivings and fear that eventually, 

the trust they offer you will be violated “just like last time.”

How a person was raised can affect their ability to trust you. If they were taught, “this is how people are”, they will measure your actions based upon that teaching. You become stereotyped, making it difficult to truly be received at face value.

There is another trust issue that is likely the most powerful. 

People by nature measure you based upon their lives, not just their experiences. Proverbs 23:7 offers that “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. ‘Eat and drink!’ he says to you, but his heart is not with you.” What a person carries in his heart dictates his belief – about himself, about 

God and about you.

If a person is by nature a “taker”, he will eventually question what you are after in the relationship. If a person is a manipulator, your actions will be measured as manipulation. If a person plays “mind games”, your words will begin to look to them as a mind game.  In short, a person will measure your actions based on how they will act in a given situation.

Jesus identified with this in Luke 6:37-38 when He said, “Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be 

measured back to you.”

The common teaching is “Judge not, and you shall not be judged…” meaning that if you judge someone, sooner or later someone will judge you. Actually, God is trying to communicate that because He has forgiven us, refused to condemn us and loved us when He had reason to judge and destroy us, we should be that way toward others. His words in Luke immediately prior to this say, “Be merciful, just as your Father is also merciful.”

But perhaps the greatest key is found in the last phrase, 

“For with the same measure that you use, 

it will be measured back to you.”  

This is where the point is made. People tend to measure each other based upon the measuring cup they use in their own actions. The default position is to expect others to do it the way they would do it. You will find yours is the same.

There is great pain in trust – particularly if you choose to trust in the manner in which I have tried to teach you. My default is to give people the benefit of the doubt – to take them at face value and hope for authenticity. It is what we are taught…

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.”

You have probably already realized that though you offer these things toward others, it is not going to be reciprocated. Therein is the pain -you trust wholeheartedly only to have your trustworthiness questioned. When it occurs, you find yourself constantly having to prove and reprove yourself. It is painful and wearisome.

Still, the other option is to trust as the world does – to measure trust based on the proof of that trust.  One of my heroes, President Ronald Reagan offered during the breakdown of the cold war, “Trust, but verify.” This is sound advice in dealing with atomic missiles (and other things). It sets a precedent for relationships. People who are ready to lob missiles at you need to be barricaded from your life. They are a danger to you and a threat to your future.

But not everyone is an enemy. Most are just caught in their own measure of life. For them, you are better to trust as God does.  Thank Him every day that He does not extend Reagan’s “Trust but verify” logic into your life.  

God chooses to trust you when He has verified that you are going to completely ignore His heart. 

He trusts you enough to let you “pull away” from His presence, 

even when it means allowing you to create a breach 

in the relationship.

People you trust will love you. They will also fail you. Don’t let that be your life measure. Be authentic if no one else is willing to be, for God is. Trust as God trusts. And in times when those around you fail you remember: He does not fail you.

© 2014 – All Rights Reserved

RESPECT From - “Lessons Offered to My Kids.”

These days, it seems that respect comes at a premium.  There is a difference between those who act respectful towards you and those who truly respect you.  This is a principle I have labored to instill into the minds of my children. Life is full of people who will “do and say the right thing”. However, if you look long enough, you will soon discover what they really believe.  After all, actions speak louder than words.  Even if you are a master at measuring your words, the Bible offers a great truth concerning what you say. Matthew 12:34 teaches us that “out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.”

Sooner or later, if your respect you demonstrate toward another person is not real, it will come out.  

There is a mindset that has found root in this generation. It was 

fostered on the premise, “I don’t mind you not respecting someone. I mind you doing it out loud.”  I have heard that offered in school settings, from mentors to their protégés, even from employers to employees.  It has lessened the notion of respect to an action offered rather than a sentiment felt. You can see the results in everything from customer service to employer employee relations. 

You can especially see it in our schools – 

particularly in middle school ages when 

such ideas are being fostered.

Honor and respect are different.  There are people for whom I have little respect. Yet, because of their position, I choose to demonstrate honor toward them.  In other words, respect is still in motion, but it is tied to the position or office that person holds.

Respect is important.  I work diligently to find a reason to respect those around me, even when their opinions and beliefs may run contrary to mine.  I also work diligently to be respectable. After all, 

respect is something that is earned.  

Where I run into problems is in dealing with someone who is disrespectful. Or worse, that one who is seemingly respectful on the outside but in reality has very little respect for you.

I caution my children regarding such people. They are the ones who can bring damage.  They are the ones not to trust. Their false respect is about themselves. Consider: if they really do not respect you and their respect comes out of some sort of requirement, what is in it for them.  What do they need from you that would cause them to feign respect? They are the takers!  They try to increase the value of their own lives by lessening the value of yours.

Such people should lose access to you. They do not believe in you. They are not really for you. Ergo, they are ultimately against you. If they tolerate you for their own end, they are not deserving of the benefit received 

by being around you.

Jesus Himself gave little time to Pharisees. Because they had no respect for Him, there was little He could offer their lives anyway.  He set His focus on those who were intent on pursuing something better.

Learn the lesson. Beware of those who feign respect.  Limit access to anyone who has little or no respect for you.  Their intent is to grow by tearing you down. More importantly, never BE that person. You are givers not takers. Look for the real value in people and find ways to foster the good in that value.  Give honor to whom honor is due and find ways to genuinely respect the good that God has placed in people.

-Dad

© 2014 Timothy Byler - All Rights Reserved

Blogging Again

Hey All,

This is just to let you know that I am returning to the blog after a hiatus.

It's good to be back.

T